the answer shouldn’t be no

So last week I had my therapy appointment…I knew it was going to be a hard session just because I felt blah for lack of a better term.  After some conversation, a question series of questions was posed. 

Do you love yourself?

Do you like yourself?

Do you remember the last time you felt either of those things for yourself?

Yikes.  That’s deep.  And now what?  What happens if I think of the answer to those questions and say, “I don’t know”.  I don’t know if I love myself.  I don’t know if I even like myself.  I don’t remember the last time I could say that I truly felt either of those things towards myself. 

Do I have moments and situations during my life that made me happy and feel love?  Absolutely.  But did I feel love for myself or for the situation? 

I see myself and I see the mistakes I’ve made and the shame I feel.  I see the imperfections and the doubts. 

I know that I “should” feel this way about myself.  I look at what I tell my daughter and friends…but I also realize how fucking hard it is.  I realize what it’s like to have the feelings that say I’m not worthy of love.  I realize that to others it sounds ridiculous.  I realize how it feels to be in a crowded room and feel absolutely alone. 

I also realize that most days I can feel like this and no one knows.  It’s so much easier to tell people that things are good.  Society.  Family.  Friends.  Coworkers.  They all accept that answer. 

So honestly…

Do I love myself?  No.

Do I like myself?  Not particularly.

Do I remember the last time I did either one of those?  Nope…but at some point maybe it’ll change. 

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