it wasn’t a mistake

First, I want to preface that the idea from this blog came from a discussion with my bff. I hadn’t thought of things from this perspective until as she was saying something it “clicked” for me. All of a sudden, I get it…and I have her to thank. Now…to be fair, it’s one of the MANY reasons that I love her… she and I can challenge each other and have these hard conversations.

Photo by Agung Prakoso BayuAdi on

When we are little, we watch Disney princess movies. We get carried away in the fantasy that we are going to meet Prince Charming, everyone is going to think he is the most amazing man, we will get married and live happily ever after. I don’t think that anyone grows up thinking… ya know what? I think I’m going to sleep with a married man. I’m going to fall in love with someone who is not mine to love. I’m going to hurt someone that I love.

Yet somehow I found myself doing those exact things. (read the blog “mistress”) I slept with a married man. I fell in love with someone who wasn’t mine to love. I hurt someone that I love.

Some people would look back at the things they have done in the past and say… “oh… it’s okay… I made a mistake” or “you made a mistake”.

But, what if…it wasn’t a mistake?

It was a choice to be his mistress.

It was a choice to drive to his house that night when he was alone. It was a choice to spend time in the basement with him. It was a choice to continue to pursue him. It was a choice to give him a blow job…and eventually more.

I remember times throughout the years where I would be heartbroken because I’d hear about something he and his wife did together and feeling that sharp pain of jealousy. I’d think that all of my times and interactions were a mistake. But they weren’t.

I made a deliberate choice to be with him each and every time we were together.

Granted…those choices were often hormone induced, but I knew what I was doing.

I knew that I was being her friend to her face and sleeping with her husband behind her back. I knew that my feelings were getting involved and rather than stopping, I continued.

I was selfish. All I cared about in those moments was me. What made me feel good at that time.

I never stopped to think “what happens if…”. I didn’t understand the ramifications that I would have faced had any number of things happened: caught by his wife, caught by friends, unwanted pregnancy, etc. What would I have done?

We got away with it for four years. When it started, I wouldn’t have guessed that it lasted four times let alone four years. But every chance I was able to, I made the choice to engage with him again and again.

No one forced me to do anything. Everything I did was a choice. It wasn’t a mistake. A mistake is just that…a mistake…a blunder…an error. What I chose to do over and over again for four years was nothing but a choice followed by more choices.

Now…looking back on those years, I know that I made those choices each and every time. Hell…I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach when I think of going to see him after time away from each other.

Don’t get me wrong, just because they were choices that I willingly (and sometimes wantingly) made doesn’t mean that they were good choices. Infact, I will tell you that I have made a lot of POOR choices over the years…but they were still choices.

I can’t change my past choices. I can’t wish that they were different…because in that moment, that choice was what I wanted. Can I be sorry for some of those choices because they were poor choices? Sure. Can I apologize? Sure. Can I learn from them? Yes. Can I try to do better in the future? Absolutely.

We are made from the choices that we make. Good and bad. And yes…we will make bad choices along the way…but that doesn’t mean it was a mistake. It just means that there was a lesson that you had to learn along the way and you made the choice that you wanted at that time. Embrace it. Accept it. Learn from it.

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