If someone were to ask me how I’m feeling right now the answer would be sadness. I know it’s a blanket term, but I don’t know how to break it down right now.
I looked at the feelings wheel to see if I could figure out more specific feelings.
Well…I think sad was a better option. I “feel” hard. I’m all in 100% on my feelings… when I look at it as only “sad”, it’s “easier” to deal with. I’ve been hiding the underlying emotions for 30ish years. It’s easy to deal with “only sad”…I can push that under the rug and put a smile on my face. It’s not as easy to do when I look at the list of emotions I just typed out. That list is scarier. That list is bigger. That list may not easily sweep under the rug like I want it to.
Is it one thing that happened? Absolutely not. It’s this realization that I don’t remember the last time I truly allowed myself to acknowledge the other aspects of my feelings. Even as I read those words, I can feel my breath shorten and my throat close in. The memories of my life that pop up in random fashion.
Therapy sucks sometimes. and I mean that in the best way possible. I love therapy, but it’s hard sometimes. To have the realizations and have to face old beliefs in order to heal… one small step at a time i guess.