Wow. That’s a lot. Do I have all of these? Nope. Do I have more than of these things than I want to admit to? Yup.
Trauma. Yikes. That is a HEAVY word.
Trau*ma – noun.
- A. an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent
B. a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
C. an emotional upset
- An agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma
I think the part that freaks me out the most is that there could be things that I am subconsciously holding back…that maybe something happened when I was younger that I have hid away so neatly that it’s causing me issues now. The thing about trauma is that it looks different for all of us. It doesn’t hit us all the same…we all experience things differently…with a different intensity and different amounts of time.
I know that something “big” is about to come in my therapy sessions. How do I know? Because I feel nervous and anxious. If I’m being completely honest, I’m even feeling some hesitancy about wanting to go to my appointment tonight. Is there anything that comes to mind? No…and that is the problem… there is something about the uncertainty that has me off my game lately.
I want to learn. I want to be better than I am, than I have been in the past. I want to heal. I want to be loved. I want to love myself.