feelings

I have been trying to feel…the good and the bad and everything in-between. I want to be honest and do check-ins with my feelings.

It’s easy to push off the “bad” emotions because that is what we are taught to do…but why?  Isn’t it healthier for me to allow them to happen?  Rather than sweeping them under the rug, confront them.  Sit with them.  Figure them out.  Honor them. Release those that need it. 

There are so many that I feel on a daily basis, but very few that I choose to share with others.  Sharing my feelings puts me in a spot of vulnerability… a spot of uncertainty… a spot of uncomfortableness….a spot of judgment.

In times when I have been brave enough to share my feelings, I get bit in the ass. I hate it. It’s easier to plaster the fake smile on my face and say “I’m fine”.

Other things I hate?  You ignoring that I just told you something.  Dismissing my feelings as not real.  Turning my vulnerability into your problems.  Assuming that I’m going to feel a specific way. 

“Don’t feel that way” – Umm… don’t you think that I would like to turn off my feelings sometimes?  Are there times when I wish I didn’t feel a certain way?  YES!  Absolutely!  Does it help for you to tell me to not feel a certain way?  Nope. 

“but you have it so good” – Yes.  I know that I have it good.  That’s the “beauty” of anxiety…it doesn’t matter how good I might have it, there are times when it doesn’t matter…the feelings are still overwhelming. 

“Oh, I understand, but…” – No buts.  Please. 

I’m guilty of saying these things to people I love and trust too (and for that I am sorry).  Seeing a loved one in such a vulnerable position can make us uncomfortable.  We want to be able to help them.  We want to be able to “fix” the problems.  Throughout my journey, I have come to the realization that my feelings are just that.  MINE.  You can’t tell me what or how to feel.  You can’t tell me when to feel something.  I get it, when someone opens up and shares their feelings with you, we want to empathize with them and help them.  However, what would help me the most is just being with me.  Acknowledging that you hear me.  Showing me that you care. 

I want to be honest with my feelings to you. I want you to be honest with your feelings with me. One small step at a time.

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