Yes, I wear masks constantly. I’m willing to bet that most people do.
In front of certain people we act certain ways. Maybe it’s out of fear. Maybe it’s out of “respect”. Maybe it’s out of confusion. Maybe it’s for something altogether.
- In church, I wear a quiet mask. I talk when I’m supposed to about things that are appropriate for church.
- At my parents’ house, I hide the side of myself that swears, occasionally smokes, and has an open marriage.
- With certain friends, I don’t talk about sex even though it’s something that I feel strongly about.
- At work, I put on the mask that keeps me professional in front of my co-workers and boss.
- In front of my children, my mask says that I’m strong and know what I’m doing.
Are these really masks that I want to wear constantly? Not really.
Can I take off the masks while still being respectful of others? I think so.
Do I feel strongly enough in what I believe and who I am to stand up to the judgement and challenges that come with taking off a mask? I’m scared.
I live behind the masks because it is what I’ve been taught to do. I hate sitting in the uncomfortable moments…especially when those moments are with someone you love and you feel like you’ve been a disappointment. It’s easy to fit in when your mask makes you blend in with those around you… the good church go-er, the professional who feels confident, the friend who doesn’t question.
But what about the moments that behind those masks I’m struggling?
- When I question my relationship with God or the church?
- When I want to smoke some weed and just relax?
- When I want to discuss sex in a positive way with people I care about?
- When I feel like all I do is make mistakes and disappoint at my job?
- When all I can do is cry in front of my kids?
What about those moments and all of the hundreds of other moments that I worry that my mask is going to fall off?
I’m tired of having a mask on. I want to figure out who I am…what I stand for…what I want. I want to slowly start peeling the masks off and be able to question and challenge (respectively of course) the uncomfortable questions and silences that come. This blog is how that is going to start.
Check out this song… listen to the words… they ring true. Especially today.