the first sign of mania

I remember multiple times in my life where I decided that I no longer wanted to be on my meds. I had decided that I was good enough and no longer needed them to make me better. So I would just stop taking them. No weening myself off, just cold-turkey stop.

When we have an ear infection, we go to the doctor and we are given an anti-biotic. We go home and take our anti-biotic and within a day, we are feeling better. Our ear pain is gone. But if we follow directions, we continue to take our anti-biotics for the full time. Once the anti-biotic is gone, the pills are gone, we are cured. We continue on our way and it’s like it never happened.

Bipolar is not like that. It doesn’t “go-away”. I might be feeling great, but the only reason that I’m feeling great is that I am taking my meds and they are working the way they are supposed to be. If I stop taking them, it’s going to lead to some type of break.

For the first time in a LONG time, I’m feeling that feeling of “I’m fine…I don’t need a med”. It’s dangerous. The logical side of my brain knows that the reason that I’m feeling fine right now is because I’m on a good cocktail of meds (at least for the depression that I’ve been experiencing).

I’m fine. No, Bri…you’re not. If you stop taking your med, you are going to be fine for a little bit, but eventually you’re going to spiral. Maybe up, maybe down…but it’s going to be extreme. Extreme is when you’ll make decisions that you normally wouldn’t. Say things that you can’t take back.

Logical side of my brain knows that my meds are keeping me stable. But bipolar brain is trying to tell me that I’m fine and that I no longer need to take meds multiple times a day.

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