maybe i was so busy

How many times have you said something close to the following?

  • It’s not my job to try and fix him/her.
  • I’m not going to let that toxicity in my life again.
  • I don’t need or want the drama of that person.
  • They are not my problem anymore.
  • Obviously nothing has changed.

I know I’ve said them all. Specifically about Erin. I hated her. I hated what she “did” to my family…to me.

Now I cringe when I read those. How could I have possibly ever said that about someone?

Looking back, I was so hurt and angry. I didn’t want to see it from any other point. I didn’t want to think that maybe she was hurt. And I definitely didn’t want to think that she might have learned from the situation.

But as I watch and learn from those around me in the here and now I am coming to fully embrace the idea that there is a whole side of the story…and in this case it’s a side of the story that I’ve never heard. I’ve never asked about. I’ve never even wanted to think about.

With never receiving an apology from her, it’s hard for me to even consider and think about…but maybe she struggled with her own side of things after the affair.

Maybe…just maybe…

  • She felt remorse and didn’t know how to approach me
  • She felt alone and lost without me as a friend
  • She deepened her relationship with her husband
  • She relied on God to get her through
  • She found friends who supported her during a tough time
  • She was embarrassed and sad and…

Maybe I was so busy hanging on to the anger and hurt that I blamed her for what she “did to me” that I couldn’t see the good.

Maybe I was so busy focusing on my own hurt that I failed to see how anyone else was hurting.

Maybe I was so busy blaming her that I forgot that I had a part too.

Maybe I did it to survive. Maybe I did it to justify my hate. Either way, I’ve come to a point in my life where I don’t want to hold on to it anymore. I know that I am not the same person that I was all those years ago. Shit, I am not even the same person I was a week ago. I want to acknowledge that people can and do change. I want to think that she learned and that she has continued to grow just like I have.

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