I’ve been in therapy for a little over two years. My therapist is amazing. I have loved her since day one. However…that doesn’t mean that I’ve been open as a book with her. I haven’t intentionally held things back from her since the very beginning when we were just feeling each other out to see if it was the right patient/therapist fit. I am open with her and she doesn’t push me in a way that is disrespectful or a way that makes me want to crawl back in…it’s a simple question after I “word vomit” about something. It’s the comment that makes me look at something in a completely different way just to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. She doesn’t do it to make me uncomfortable in my own skin, she does it because she wants to help me heal. She wants me to dig into those feelings. What have I pushed down? What feelings have I built my walls up against? There is something that has become soothing to me as I talk to her and have those moments. It’s like a firework going off…I don’t realize it is coming until it’s there…sometimes I don’t expect the boom and it startles me…other times I find the view fascinating. My last therapy session ended with an assignment:
“Bri – you’re hiding behind your anger towards Erin. Anger is the easy emotion. What’s really there?”
Well fuck me…that is hard. Anger has been the predominant feeling for 10 years. What’s really behind it?
Stay tuned… I’m working on not only the list of feelings, but some explanation to go with it.