here goes nothing

Remember when I said that I had an assignment from therapy and I wasn’t ready to share? Well…here we go. Unedited except for a couple names.

Warning: this is literally written based on the thoughts that came to my mind. It’s not necessarily in the order that would make the most sense or in a chronological order, but it’s real.

I look back at your affair and sometimes I feel like it was all a bad dream…a nightmare…a nightmare that I have had to live every day for the last ten years.

I thought we had something good going. Was this karma from my affair while you were married to your now ex-wife? Was this my punishment? You’ve never kept a marriage vow for faithfulness in your life.

Bitch. Whore. Slut. Cunt. Most of those words are still too nice for what I feel you deserve.

Erin was my best friend. I remember working at WHM together for a recital and someone asking us if we were sisters and we thought it was amazing because we spent so much time together anyway. I was supposed to be your maid of honor. I didn’t think you and Eric should get married…I knew that you were flirting with someone else. I knew that it was a bad situation. I knew in my gut that you and Eric weren’t right for each other. I didn’t say something and things between us got weird. I didn’t end up standing up in your wedding…hindsight says that was a good thing. Why wasn’t I a better friend to Eric at that point? If you were ready to cheat on him then…

At one point you sent my hubby a picture asking about your cleavage… I found out. You tried to pass it off as nothing. Why didn’t I see that as a sign? Why didn’t I realize right then and there that it was an omen of things to come? First off…why would you be sending a guy pictures of your cleavage if you weren’t hoping something would happen? I’ve sent guys pictures of myself and the only purpose it ever served was to show my interest in having sex with them. How didn’t I realize that you wanted him then? Why didn’t he object then? Why didn’t hubby put a stop to it and say that she needed to stop? That was literally a few months before I ended up pregnant and getting married. Why? Why did I continue to move forward with a marriage when a huge breach of trust had just happened?

When did you start having these types of conversations with her? Were they happening for weeks or months prior to it becoming physical? Or have they been continuing the entire length of our marriage since the last time that I told you to stop talking to her? From the cleavage pictures to your affair it was less than 4 years.

You both took vows. my hubby to me. Erin to Eric. Erin and I were best friends. My hubby and Eric were friends. The betrayal went so much deeper than just having an affair. Marriage vows were broken. Friendships were destroyed.

What did you think was going to happen? Did you think that he was going to leave me? Were you going to leave Eric? Did you think about what would happen if you got caught? Did you think about the lives and friendships that would be ruined? What about the kids that we had? Did you think about the fact that we would forever be running into each other’s lives?

You two spent years working together after I found out. Shit. You STILL work together. You still have to have contact on a weekly basis. I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that you talk. I still need to trust you two to keep things strictly professional.

The revelation of the affair caused me to question everything that I knew about our entire relationship and marriage. We had two beautiful children and what I thought was the perfect life. I literally thought that we had a life that others would be jealous of. It all came crashing down and somehow it felt like my fault.

I found out about your affair seven days before our wedding anniversary. Seven days. That was the year that you gave me a ring with our kids’ birthstone in it. It was supposed to remind me of the two biggest blessings in our life, but instead it represents you trying to “buy me back”.

You accepted invitations from me and my hubby to come to our house. Why was my hubby inviting his fucking mistress to our house? You spent time trying to rebuild our friendship. You came to my house and held my newborn in your arms knowing you were going to fuck around with my husband after work that night. You smiled and sat on my couch and pretended that you were my friend.

Did you both think that you were both gifts from god that you had to share your “talents” with people other than your spouses? To me oral sex is so much more personal than “regular” penis/vagina sex. You are putting your face somewhere. All I could see was you two together when I closed my eyes. Wondering what you were saying to each other. Did either one of you have feelings? How many times can you fuck around together before one of you starts to get feelings? I remember it was easy to say “No feelings involved” but to be head over heels in love. I would have said anything my hubby wanted me to in order to make sure that he and I kept our affair going…was it the same for Erin? Why would either one of them stop if they were both getting something out of the deal? “Tonight? I like making you cum” The text was clear as day.

Erin was supposed to be a friend. My hubby was supposed to be my husband. Erin didn’t fight to save our friendship. Did I really mean that little to her that she couldn’t even apologize? Fuck…did I hurt her so badly that she wanted revenge on me? Did she fall in love with my hubby and couldn’t not be with him? Was her life that miserable that she wanted mine? Why is it that the people who actively participated in the cheating were the ones who got off the easiest? What changed for either one of you? I made the mistake of not telling Eric that his wife was a cheating whore. She went on to have another baby with Eric shortly after. My hubby and Erin continued to work together daily. And I could barely put one foot in front of another. Why am I the one who suffered?

Isn’t anyone going to fight for me? Isn’t anyone going to show me that I matter? Because apparently friendships don’t mean shit and either do marriage vows.

I had a 4 month old and a 2 year old at home. The home that I shared with my cheating husband. I was stuck. I had nowhere to go. The few close friends that I had at the time told me I was wrong for staying and trying to work through it…so I stopped telling people. And instead of getting support from those who said they loved me, I suffered alone. I watched other friends walk out of my life. Or keep me at an arm’s length because I was “wrong”. I lost my best friend. I had lost my husband (or at least the version that I thought I had). And now I was losing other friends. My support system wasn’t there. I was hormonal and sleep deprived and trying to hold it together as a young mom…and had no support system. And I blamed Erin. She took it all away from me. Why didn’t my hubby just divorce me? Why didn’t he just put an end to us before he went on to fuck someone else?

Even though I accused Erin of ruining my life…my hubby had a part in it too. my hubby was the other half of the equation. But he was my husband. He was the person who I had made promises to to work through the good and the bad with. I had to forgive him. He was the father of my two beautiful little babies. He was the one that I loved when I shouldn’t. But god I was angry with him. I felt guilty for being angry with him. I still feel guilty for being angry a decade later.

Even our marriage counselor said it was something that I had to “get over”. Please…tell me how one just gets over it. I don’t think you ever get over it, you just learn how to deal with it. If I could just get over it, I wouldn’t have spent ten years wondering what I did wrong and why people who were supposed to love me would hurt me. Or found myself getting angry when I know that they have to interact for work. If I could just get over it, I wouldn’t still cry and feel like a wife who has failed.

Why did my hubby have to tell Erin that we were going for marriage counseling? Why did she need to know? Why did he feel that he should open up to her about that? He was willing to tell her about the fact that we decided to seek help, but he didn’t want anyone else knowing about it. He didn’t want me to tell our families because he didn’t want the shame that would come. He didn’t want me talking to my best friends because they wanted me to leave him, but he got to tell the whore who ruined my life? Why? Why was she so fucking privleged to that information?

I blame myself. How is it that you ruin our friendship and my marriage and I blame myself? I blame myself for not giving my husband what he needed sexually. I blame myself for not being the kind of friend who deserved loyalty. I blame myself for not seeing/paying attention to the signs that were there. I blame myself for not listening to my gut. I blame myself for not confronting you when I found out. I blame myself for not shouting it from the rooftops and instead trying to save the reputations of those involved – mainly Eric and mine.

I’m mad when I have those moments of “I miss my friendship with Erin”. Why would I miss someone who hurt me so much? What was it about my friendship with her that would warrant me looking past her betrayal to want a friendship with her again? She doesn’t deserve that.

What was she missing in her life that made her think that being with my hubby would be ok? Did she not value the friendship that she had with me? Was I just the way she wanted to get close to my hubby? Was I the placeholder in her life as she waited for what she truly wanted?

How did she not value her own marriage? Why would she hurt Eric like that? As a mom with a young daughter at the time, how would you have felt if your daughter was in that situation where her partner cheated on her? How did she get to the point where she valued herself so little that she was okay with it?

How did I value myself so little that I continuously threw myself at my hubby…knowing he was engaged…and then married. Did I not believe that I deserved someone who believed that I was worth it…that I deserved 100% of someone…not the small little bit that I was able to get from my hubby while he was married to his now ex-wife. I believed that my love for him was enough…but I didn’t realize that my friends at that time were trying to tell me that I deserved more. I deserved to be loved by someone who was willing to give me everything.

Is the reason that I struggle letting go of the fact that Erin had an affair with my husband because I feel guilty about the fact that I had an affair with him? I can admit that it was wrong. Throwing myself at him while he was engaged and married was wrong despite how it ended up. I should have respected my “friendship” with his wife. I should have respected the marriage vows that I watched them both make. However, every move I made with him was intentional. I knew what I was doing. It was a conscious choice, but it wasn’t a mistake. But I also will admit that I had no idea of the damage that it caused. And it could have caused so much more had now ex-wife found out about what happened between us.

Erin knew about my history with my hubby…maybe not the entire thing, but she knew we were dating long before the rest of the world. Is that why she said yes to the affair? Is it because she saw him as an “easy” target? Once a cheater always a cheater? Maybe if I hadn’t allowed her to get close in the beginning things would have been different. Maybe if she didn’t know that my hubby had a history of cheating, she wouldn’t have allowed it. Or maybe she would have pushed harder. She always was a bitch who couldn’t handle not getting her way.

I always accused her of trying to copy my life. I got married. So did she. I got pregnant. So did she. I had a farmhouse in the country. She bought one too. It continued after I found out about the affair too. I had a second child. So did she. I colored my hair dark. So did she. I got a certain style of car. So did she. I felt as though every decision I made, she made almost the exact same thing within 3 months of when I did.

The work environment that they shared was small…when everyone was there, there were only four people. So it was the nature of the beast that they were all friends. Because everyone was friends, they all shared information about their home lives. Because of that, it also meant that Erin knew about the things happening in our life. She knew that we were working it out in our marriage. She knew about the milestones with our newborn son. She knew about the times my hubby wasn’t himself at work. I didn’t have the courtesy of privacy.

Did people at work know? Did they have any idea that you were chasing my hubby? That my hubby was chasing you? Did they have an inclining that maybe there was something more than just the professional relationship that was supposed to be? The store manager was observant. Your other co-worker worked late with you two. Did neither of them notice anything? Even if they did…would they have said anything?

I still feel guilty when I am angry with him. But he doesn’t fight with me about it. I want him to fight with me about it…I want him to fight for me. I want him to “justify” what gave him the right to put his family at risk. What gave him the right to hurt me? Why did he think that he was above the rules? What was he thinking he was going to do if they got caught?

He got off “easy”. He apologized. I never kicked him out of the house. I never even kicked him out of our bed. He never had to go without sex as a punishment. We continued to put on the smiles and pretend that we were okay. I wanted to see him suffer. He says he suffered, but I didn’t see it because he’s such a chill personality that it didn’t show. He doesn’t show his emotions. And then I wonder if he’s really suffered at all. Was he vulnerable with me? Emotionally? Did we truly learn to get through this together?

And they got caught. They didn’t fess up. They got caught because they didn’t take the time or consideration to hide it. Sure…hubby didn’t lie when I confronted him, but I still had to confront him. Not only was I not worth him not having an affair, I wasn’t worth him fessing up. I don’t think that either of them had any intention to stop what they were doing. They would have kept it going and going. I don’t think that either one of them thought they were going to get caught. They sure as hell didn’t have a plan as to what to do if they got caught.

Did I handle it all wrong? Was I wrong to stay? Was I wrong to not tell Eric when I found out? Was I wrong to not confront Erin? Was I wrong?

Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder if my hubby really learned anything from the entire thing or if he just says “sorry” because that is what society tells someone to do. Did he truly learn the lesson? Has he done the work to figure out why he did it? To prove to himself that he won’t do it again? He says that he won’t…but his track record on cheating with significant others doesn’t exactly go over very well.

Why when I find myself in the same room with Erin do I still feel this incredible need to prove myself? To “prove” that my husband loves me. To “prove” that I’m happy. To “prove” that she didn’t take anything from me. To “prove” that my happily ever after is better than hers. To “prove” that I’ve “won”. Even though the truth of the matter is that she probably has no idea whether I’m happy or not…and she probably wouldn’t care either way.

I have spent a decade of my life wanting her to suffer. I wanted her to feel a quarter of the pain that I have felt because of her actions. When I found out years later that she was getting a divorce, I remember a multitude of feelings. 1) hubby knew and he didn’t tell me. What if she tried to rekindle something with him? Why didn’t he tell me? 2) I was glad that her marriage fell apart. I wanted her to hurt because Eric was leaving her. I wanted her to realize that she failed in her marriage and I didn’t. I wanted her to realize that her copying my life led to her failure. Had she followed her own dreams instead of mine maybe she wouldn’t have failed.

How much of it was her? How much of it was my hubby? My hubby is a flirt. He always has been. He doesn’t even realize he is flirting most of the time. How much of it was unintentional? How much was intentional? How much of it was just my hubby being oblivious (at least to start)? Who crossed the line first? Who decided to take it from flirtatious conversations to let’s actually touch each other? Who was the first one to orgasm? Who was the first to initiate that it happen again? Who confided in whom?

I know that I made his life a living hell for years. We spent what should have been our best years together not thriving, but simply surviving. Affairs are interesting like that. One day you feel confident in the progress that you’ve made and believe that there is nothing that can break you apart…and then out of nowhere you get triggered and all of the pain and hurt is right back at the surface and you’re wondering how to put one foot in front of the other. One look. One phrase. One gaze. One touch. It takes you right back.

What else besides physical intimacy did they share? Obviously she knew about our family situation, but did they talk about their dreams? Their wants? Their fantasies? Were they acting out their fantasies with each other? Did they share emotional feelings? Did they care for each other? If they didn’t care for each other in some way, why would they continue their affair?

My affair with my hubby continued because I couldn’t stay away from him. I sabotaged every other relationship I had because I wasn’t willing to let go of my hubby. If they didn’t have some type of emotional connection…why did it continue? Would either one of them admit if they had a genuine connection?

What do I do with the trust that has been broken? After ten years, I am still scared every day. I still wonder when you have to see her each week. What do you talk about? What does she talk about? Do either of them notice what the other is wearing? Do they ever end up accidentally touching? Purposely? How am I supposed to trust and believe that BOTH of you are interacting in an appropriate way?

What is it about my friendship with Erin that I miss? Is it because I see myself in her? From what I remember even before the affair it wasn’t like she was a great friend…but yet I still miss her. Or I miss something…not someone.

What is your definition of cheating? Is that where the disconnect was? Because you didn’t think it was cheating if my husband didn’t stick his dick in your pussy? Last I knew, any type of physical contact with intimate body parts without permission counted as cheating. If someone other than my spouse was texting me pictures and telling me that they want to make me cum is cheating. (Other than polyamory or other PREarranged situations).

Why Erin? Out of the tens of thousands of people in a 30 mile radius, you two decided to be together? What was it about Erin that made it irresistible? Was she your first choice? Were you her first choice?

Read any book about surviving an affair and the first thing besides honesty that it talks about is cutting contact with the person who you had an affair with. How do you do that when you work together? How do you work through that? How were the two who were involved in an affair able to simply turn it off and go back to just working together? Is that even possible?

My hubby has been married before. I watched him commit his life to his now ex-wife. And then promptly broke those marriage vows with me. He made the same promises to me. And then promptly broke those vows with me. Is he capable of being faithful in a marriage? Not just physically but emotionally, mentally? Keeping the flirtation between me and him? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Then again, I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone where faithfulness was something that was followed. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I’ve never been enough. I’m inadequate and don’t deserve it.

I remember the hours and days immediately following finding out. I needed details. I wanted to know what happened between the two of you. I was disappointed in myself for not giving you what you needed as your wife. Hearing the details punished me for what I felt I couldn’t provide you. But some things still stand out to me…ten years later and they still stick out like a sore thumb in my mind. “I only lasted for ten seconds.” Wait. Erin gave my hubby a blowjob and he only lasted for ten seconds? Two things that come to mind: 1) was he that fucking excited that he couldn’t contain himself? 2) Was she so talented that she knew how to make him explode? The other thing was that my hubby defended her. “I pursued her this time”. Wait…what the fuck?! You’re going to defend her? You’re going to defend Erin? What about defending our marriage? What about defending your love for me? What about defending the promises you made?

Was the sex that good between you two? Were the orgasms that mind-blowing? What words were exchanged between you two that made it seem okay? Was it about teaching each other something? Did you learn something new that you then brought home into our bedroom?

Was there some type of competitive thing in your life telling you that you have to win? Prove that you can “beat” your friends with what you have to “offer”? Whether it was with Rachel or now ex-wife or Beckie… your cock is smaller than Paul’s…it’s a fact of life. But does that make you feel like you need to prove that you are better with oral? Is that why you would want McKellips leftovers? I can understand the fun of sharing a partner… but if we’re not sharing?

Words have always been a huge thing for me. Words of affirmation has been my love language for years. But that comes with some major downfalls in situations like this. Despite my hubby having oral sex with someone else in a situation where it wasn’t allowed and was a secret, he never stopped telling me he loved me and how much he loved our family. His words and actions couldn’t have been more opposite. Even when I questioned him about things, he lied to my face. As someone who values words so much, lies carry even more weight. If he was telling me how much he liked having sex with me and making cum, how does that differ from when he told Erin that he liked making her cum? How can I expect that you would see us differently if you were telling us both the same things? What other things did you tell me and then tell Erin? How many exciting things about our home life and young children’s lives got shared with her? There are still times when you bring up memories or conversations that I have to remind you were not with me. How many of them were with Erin?

If Erin was my best friend…why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she tell me if she and Eric were having problems? If my hubby was pushing the line, why didn’t she tell me? If my hubby was miserable, why didn’t he tell me? How come the two people in my life that I trusted the most didn’t talk to me about the huge issues that were happening?

I grew up in the church. I have a college education that was based in religion. I had a relationship with God that even when it was rocky on my part, I knew that He always had me. But this was enough to shake that relationship. The problems I had encountered before were problems with people and religion and churches. This rocked my relationship with God. How could God let us stand in front of Him and say our vows? How was God going to deal with us when we returned to church? Would God still love me if I accepted my hubby back into my life? God says we are to forgive… how the fuck am I supposed to forgive? Forgiving my hubby is hard enough…but according to God, I’m supposed to forgive Erin too… How am I supposed to do that? Am I willing to do that? What if I don’t do that? Where does my relationship with God stand?

I guess I should have seen it coming…how much anger and uncertainty I still have with my hubby. I have known it for years. I’m sure that he has continued to feel it for years. But I haven’t wanted to discuss it with him. I haven’t wanted to bring it up. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to not be accusatory. I don’t know how to go at this with empathy and kindness. I still want to place blame. I still see red and hatred when I think about what we’ve gone through.

I’m mad that I still can’t confront her. I’m mad that Erin never apologized. I’m mad that I don’t feel like karma came back to kick her in the ass like I want it to. I’m mad that I feel like I’m fighting alone. I’m mad that the friends I had at the time left me high and dry because I was “wrong”. I’m mad that I’m still mad. I’m mad that I miss Erin. I’m mad that my choices weren’t respected. I’m mad that after finding out about their affair that Erin got pregnant. I’m mad at myself that I didn’t tell Eric. I’m mad that my hubby and I ignored the problems in our relationship for so long that it got to that point. I’m mad that I feel like my hubby thinks it’s all about sex.

I’m terrified that it’s going to happen again. I’m terrified that my hubby will find someone else that he will cross a line with. I’m terrified that I’m once again going to be made a fool of. I’m terrified that friendships will always end in hurt. I’m terrified that when I open up to someone that the information shared will be used against me.

And I’m sad. I’m sad that bad choices were made. I’m sad that my kids haven’t had the happy upbringing that I wanted them to have. I’m sad that I didn’t feel strong. I’m sad that what was supposed to be happily ever after turned into we’ll deal with each other and be happy sometimes. I’m sad that I lost trust. I’m sad that my best girlfriend hurt me. I’m sad that my husband chose someone other than me. I’m sad that it caused me to question my faith. I’m sad that after ten years, I’m still struggling. I’m sad that after ten years I still cry. I’m sad that I didn’t get the true help that I needed at that time. I’m sad that I have walls that are so built up that I still don’t want to trust. I’m sad that I still feel contempt towards my hubby. I’m sad that I still think it’s going to happen again.

I’m sad that I don’t feel like my hubby and I can have an open and honest conversation about how we feel. What we want. What we see. I shut down and he gets quiet.