forgiveness. noun.
the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

forgive. verb.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
to grant pardon to (a person).
to cease to feel resentment against:
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:

Forgiveness is intentional. It doesn’t mean forgetting anyone or giving an excuse.

The hard part for me is that sometimes you have to forgive over and over again. You think you are healing/have healed from a particular matter in your life and then something happens and you find yourself triggered and taking a huge step backwards.

That’s what happened this weekend. I’m sitting with my hubby and I learn that Erin (the person he had an affair with ten years ago) that she is changing jobs and will now be teaching in our kids school. Fuck. Does this mean that I’m going to have to see her? Possibly interact with her? Fuck.

It lead to me jumping down that rabbit hole of questions and darkness. I get fixated on things. Questions come and I need the answers. The question this time – What made you do it?

The dangerous thing about asking a question…you might get an answer that you aren’t expecting.

I wasn’t expecting to hear that the thing that switched the flip for Erin and my hubby was the fact that he wanted to see her clit piercing in person. Whoa. What? How after ten years is this the first time I was hearing this? 1. I didn’t know that she had a clit piercing. 2. “In person”? That means he had seen it before in ways of pictures. 3. How is it that I haven’t heard that piece of information? or did I just forget?

I makes me wonder if I’ve really healed at all. Sure, I said that I forgave Erin. I forgave my hubby. But the thing about forgiveness is that it needs to happen over and over again…every single time that it begins to bother me.

Yes, it’s tough. Yes, I tend to cry. But I have to keep trying.