we’re going there

The assignment is to start in the angry place that I was when I first found out that my husband had an affair.

What We are talking about bringing up feelings that I have spent the last (almost) ten years trying to stuff down and pretend that I’ve been healed and fine. What happens when I bring up those feelings again? What happens when I start peeling the mask off? What happens if I don’t like what I discover?

  • Step One. Looking back at old journal entries from when it happened.

Not exactly sure how this is going to go…but it’s going to get messy and hard. Here we go.

  • Unbelievable
    Furious
    Cheater
    Mad
    Angry
    Hurt
    Sad
    Asshole
    Guilty
    Fucker
    Horrified
    Betrayed
    What next
    How to trust ever again
    Vows meant nothing
    Once a cheater always a cheater?
    Ppojioiuykijhyuhgul
    Ubjhggttfctggggygbggtyygtyftttfggggvjjhhjn
    Gjuuuujijyyy
    Only sorry you got caught
    My best friend
    Destroyed
    My fault
    How am I supposed to be okay
    You still have to work together
    Hate
    Disgust
    Heartbroken
    Questioning everything I thought I knew
    Disappointment
    Happy fucking anniversary
    Disrespected
    Liar
    You can’t make it through 3 years…how are we supposed to go for another 40
    Feel like a piece of dog shit that can be put aside
    Thought you were better than that
    Failure
    Bastard
    Untrustworthy
    Hard time believing you
    Not special
    Not loved
    Dirty
    How many times
    Did you kiss her
    What about the Thursdays while I was on maternity leave
    It was so important to you for me to give Erin a second chance
    You’re horny…yet you went down on her…not the opposite fucker
    Fucker
    You say you love me
    Sickening
    Want to puke
    All I see when I close my eyes is you with her
    Feel dumb
    Lost
    Horrible mom
    Was it worth it
    Would have kept going had I not found out
    Douchebag
    Fucker
    How am I supposed to forgive
    Don’t you ever ask me to be nice to her again
    Want to hit you
    You’re horny and apparently crave sex and now you’ve pushed me so far away that I don’t know how I can let you back in
    Defeated
    You went down on her and then came home and kissed me
    Is that why you never say my name
    Naive
    One time is a slip up. This was multiple times with the intent to do it again.
    You obviously enjoyed it
    Fucker
    You didn’t care what it would do to me or your family
    Selfish
    Ashamed
    The exact person you promised you wouldn’t be
    Feel cheap and used
    Would you have ever come clean
    All I see is your hand touching her
    Everything you say I want to turn and throw back in your face
    I deserved better than that
    Why should my family be the one that has to suffer
    If you don’t want to be the pos husband then stop acting like one
    I hope you die
    Counseling?
    Hide it so you can feel better about yourself and then people won’t realize you’re a dick
    I want you to suffer for the pain you knowingly caused
    Rage
    Confusion
    Shock
    Pain
    Did you ever intend on being faithful
    You always promised that you weren’t looking…so what? Her ass just happened to fall into your hand and mouth
    How can you do something so intimate with someone you claim to not like
    Were there others
    So confused
    I thought it would be a black/white issue
    Defend yourself
    I am a part of this relationship, but this is not my fault
    Were you bored with me
    I asked you multiple times while I was pregnant if you’d ever go out and find something else and you promised me you wouldn’t
    I thought we were good together
    Not that I see this happening anytime soon but how am I supposed to have sex with you again. How am I ever going to let you go down on me again
    You let me down. You let our family down.
    Do you know what you’ve made me feel like
    Deceitful
    What do wedding vows mean to you
    Withdrawn
    How do I smile at you
    My heart physically hurts
    Don’t make me work this out if you are going to do it again
    Hysterical
    One minute I’m fine and the next I’m not
    How can it not be intimate
    I don’t want to be one of those women that people look at and feel sorry for because she’s in a shitty marriage that her husband walks all over her
    I want to see you show some kind of emotion
    I want to talk about it
    Anxious
    Unsettled
    Bad wife
    What would you feel like if our child was treated this way

Wow. What a list.

How am I supposed to go back to those feelings and have the confidence that I can go through them again…and survive?

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