The assignment is to start in the angry place that I was when I first found out that my husband had an affair.
What We are talking about bringing up feelings that I have spent the last (almost) ten years trying to stuff down and pretend that I’ve been healed and fine. What happens when I bring up those feelings again? What happens when I start peeling the mask off? What happens if I don’t like what I discover?
- Step One. Looking back at old journal entries from when it happened.
Not exactly sure how this is going to go…but it’s going to get messy and hard. Here we go.
How to trust ever again
Vows meant nothing
Once a cheater always a cheater?
Only sorry you got caught
My best friend
How am I supposed to be okay
You still have to work together
Questioning everything I thought I knew
Happy fucking anniversary
You can’t make it through 3 years…how are we supposed to go for another 40
Feel like a piece of dog shit that can be put aside
Thought you were better than that
Hard time believing you
How many times
Did you kiss her
What about the Thursdays while I was on maternity leave
It was so important to you for me to give Erin a second chance
You’re horny…yet you went down on her…not the opposite fucker
You say you love me
Want to puke
All I see when I close my eyes is you with her
Was it worth it
Would have kept going had I not found out
How am I supposed to forgive
Don’t you ever ask me to be nice to her again
Want to hit you
You’re horny and apparently crave sex and now you’ve pushed me so far away that I don’t know how I can let you back in
You went down on her and then came home and kissed me
Is that why you never say my name
One time is a slip up. This was multiple times with the intent to do it again.
You obviously enjoyed it
You didn’t care what it would do to me or your family
The exact person you promised you wouldn’t be
Feel cheap and used
Would you have ever come clean
All I see is your hand touching her
Everything you say I want to turn and throw back in your face
I deserved better than that
Why should my family be the one that has to suffer
If you don’t want to be the pos husband then stop acting like one
I hope you die
Hide it so you can feel better about yourself and then people won’t realize you’re a dick
I want you to suffer for the pain you knowingly caused
Did you ever intend on being faithful
You always promised that you weren’t looking…so what? Her ass just happened to fall into your hand and mouth
How can you do something so intimate with someone you claim to not like
Were there others
I thought it would be a black/white issue
I am a part of this relationship, but this is not my fault
Were you bored with me
I asked you multiple times while I was pregnant if you’d ever go out and find something else and you promised me you wouldn’t
I thought we were good together
Not that I see this happening anytime soon but how am I supposed to have sex with you again. How am I ever going to let you go down on me again
You let me down. You let our family down.
Do you know what you’ve made me feel like
What do wedding vows mean to you
How do I smile at you
My heart physically hurts
Don’t make me work this out if you are going to do it again
One minute I’m fine and the next I’m not
How can it not be intimate
I don’t want to be one of those women that people look at and feel sorry for because she’s in a shitty marriage that her husband walks all over her
I want to see you show some kind of emotion
I want to talk about it
What would you feel like if our child was treated this way
Wow. What a list.
How am I supposed to go back to those feelings and have the confidence that I can go through them again…and survive?