The assignment is to start in the angry place that I was when I first found out that my husband had an affair.

What We are talking about bringing up feelings that I have spent the last (almost) ten years trying to stuff down and pretend that I’ve been healed and fine. What happens when I bring up those feelings again? What happens when I start peeling the mask off? What happens if I don’t like what I discover?

• Step One. Looking back at old journal entries from when it happened.

Not exactly sure how this is going to go…but it’s going to get messy and hard. Here we go.

• Unbelievable
  Furious
  Cheater
  Mad
  Angry
  Hurt
  Sad
  Asshole
  Guilty
  Fucker
  Horrified
  Betrayed
  What next
  How to trust ever again
  Vows meant nothing
  Once a cheater always a cheater?
  Ppojioiuykijhyuhgul
  Ubjhggttfctggggygbggtyygtyftttfggggvjjhhjn
  Gjuuuujijyyy
  Only sorry you got caught
  My best friend
  Destroyed
  My fault
  How am I supposed to be okay
  You still have to work together
  Hate
  Disgust
  Heartbroken
  Questioning everything I thought I knew
  Disappointment
  Happy fucking anniversary
  Disrespected
  Liar
  You can’t make it through 3 years…how are we supposed to go for another 40
  Feel like a piece of dog shit that can be put aside
  Thought you were better than that
  Failure
  Bastard
  Untrustworthy
  Hard time believing you
  Not special
  Not loved
  Dirty
  How many times
  Did you kiss her
  What about the Thursdays while I was on maternity leave
  It was so important to you for me to give Erin a second chance
  You’re horny…yet you went down on her…not the opposite fucker
  Fucker
  You say you love me
  Sickening
  Want to puke
  All I see when I close my eyes is you with her
  Feel dumb
  Lost
  Horrible mom
  Was it worth it
  Would have kept going had I not found out
  Douchebag
  Fucker
  How am I supposed to forgive
  Don’t you ever ask me to be nice to her again
  Want to hit you
  You’re horny and apparently crave sex and now you’ve pushed me so far away that I don’t know how I can let you back in
  Defeated
  You went down on her and then came home and kissed me
  Is that why you never say my name
  Naive
  One time is a slip up. This was multiple times with the intent to do it again.
  You obviously enjoyed it
  Fucker
  You didn’t care what it would do to me or your family
  Selfish
  Ashamed
  The exact person you promised you wouldn’t be
  Feel cheap and used
  Would you have ever come clean
  All I see is your hand touching her
  Everything you say I want to turn and throw back in your face
  I deserved better than that
  Why should my family be the one that has to suffer
  If you don’t want to be the pos husband then stop acting like one
  I hope you die
  Counseling?
  Hide it so you can feel better about yourself and then people won’t realize you’re a dick
  I want you to suffer for the pain you knowingly caused
  Rage
  Confusion
  Shock
  Pain
  Did you ever intend on being faithful
  You always promised that you weren’t looking…so what? Her ass just happened to fall into your hand and mouth
  How can you do something so intimate with someone you claim to not like
  Were there others
  So confused
  I thought it would be a black/white issue
  Defend yourself
  I am a part of this relationship, but this is not my fault
  Were you bored with me
  I asked you multiple times while I was pregnant if you’d ever go out and find something else and you promised me you wouldn’t
  I thought we were good together
  Not that I see this happening anytime soon but how am I supposed to have sex with you again. How am I ever going to let you go down on me again
  You let me down. You let our family down.
  Do you know what you’ve made me feel like
  Deceitful
  What do wedding vows mean to you
  Withdrawn
  How do I smile at you
  My heart physically hurts
  Don’t make me work this out if you are going to do it again
  Hysterical
  One minute I’m fine and the next I’m not
  How can it not be intimate
  I don’t want to be one of those women that people look at and feel sorry for because she’s in a shitty marriage that her husband walks all over her
  I want to see you show some kind of emotion
  I want to talk about it
  Anxious
  Unsettled
  Bad wife
  What would you feel like if our child was treated this way

Wow. What a list.

How am I supposed to go back to those feelings and have the confidence that I can go through them again…and survive?