Ten years ago my husband had an affair. Ten years ago my world shattered under my feet and I feel like I have done nothing but try and put my life back together since that point. I wrote about the whole affair situation in the blog titled “Erin”.
But what I have to continually remind myself is that healing is not a one day process. Shit…it’s not even a ten year process for me. I can’t just wake up one day and decide that it no longer affects me.
Hubby and I ran into Erin this week at a funeral for her ex-husband.
It’s been ten years since she decided to cross the marital boundaries with my husband. We walk by her at the funeral…she doesn’t acknowledge me, but she’s more than happy to wave and smile to my hubby. I’m pissed.
All these years later, I can feel the anger rise in me. I can feel the jealousy and the betrayal. I can still see the words that I saw typed out between them. I can still feel the gut-wrenching pull. I can feel the trust being tugged at.
How is it that walking by her ten years later and I become a fucking puddle? I lose all strength. I lose my ability to feel strong in my marriage. I lose my ability to smile. How is it that I still allow her presence to make me crumble?
Maybe it’s the fact that hubby and I are struggling in our marriage because of other crap. Maybe it’s the fact that I still feel like I’m owed an apology. Maybe it’s the fact that… I don’t know.
Logically I know that I deserve better than that. Logically I know that she can’t “make” me feel a certain way. Logically I know that she has absolutely no say in how my life moves forward. Emotionally…I’m still a mess.
Maybe someday her presence won’t scar me.