People are getting too close. The level of vulnerability that it requires is getting to be a lot. I’m trying really hard not to burn bridges as I go…but I’m terrified that if I don’t that they’ll still be here. Yes, I want friends. Yes, I know that having a small circle of ride-or-die friends can be so beneficial…but at the same time I can’t seem to convince myself that is true. In my experience, friends leave. I’m sure that I’m full of reasons that people back away and I know that I have pushed people away…but to the same end…no one wants to stay.
I would be less likely to get hurt if I push people away.
No one would be able to see the crazy that I’m feeling right now… I’m pretty sure that if they did, they wouldn’t stick around…nor would I expect them too. My emotions are too all over the place right now. I’m too much of a mess. I do my best to hide it so that the world doesn’t know what’s happening, but it’s getting harder and harder to hide. I can go from fine to tears in a matter of moments. From annoyed to angry faster than I want. Even my hubby looked at me the other night with this face that screamed “you’re so broken” even when he didn’t say a word.
If I backpedal, maybe I can keep friends just far enough to not get completely burned. Keep things…people… at an arms length.