too close

People are getting too close. The level of vulnerability that it requires is getting to be a lot. I’m trying really hard not to burn bridges as I go…but I’m terrified that if I don’t that they’ll still be here. Yes, I want friends. Yes, I know that having a small circle of ride-or-die friends can be so beneficial…but at the same time I can’t seem to convince myself that is true. In my experience, friends leave. I’m sure that I’m full of reasons that people back away and I know that I have pushed people away…but to the same end…no one wants to stay.

I would be less likely to get hurt if I push people away.

No one would be able to see the crazy that I’m feeling right now… I’m pretty sure that if they did, they wouldn’t stick around…nor would I expect them too. My emotions are too all over the place right now. I’m too much of a mess. I do my best to hide it so that the world doesn’t know what’s happening, but it’s getting harder and harder to hide. I can go from fine to tears in a matter of moments. From annoyed to angry faster than I want. Even my hubby looked at me the other night with this face that screamed “you’re so broken” even when he didn’t say a word.

If I backpedal, maybe I can keep friends just far enough to not get completely burned. Keep things…people… at an arms length.

One thought on “too close

  1. startingagain2021

    Letting people is is super scary. Not all will disappear no matter what that insecure voice in your head tells you. Those are the ones who will ride the good, bad, ugly, and fucking atrocious days with you. And when the mood lightens, we will enjoy and take whatever comes next.


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