do we snuggle now

“she’s going to visit her family…do you want to come for the weekend?”

It was a dangerous proposition. He was married. I was still the college student who was trying to figure out my life (little did I know at that time that pursuit would be a lifetime journey). His wife was going to be two hours away. I could go, we could spend time together…uninterrupted…almost like a couple.

That first time that I stayed overnight was different. We weren’t falling asleep naked on a couch only to be awaken by an alarm telling me that I needed to go home. We brushed our teeth. He let the dog out for the last time. He took my hand and guided me to the bedroom and gave me a kiss as he went around to his side of the bed.

It was amazing. It was a fall night…cool outside and in the bedroom…the kind of weather that makes you want to snuggle up.

I had never slept with a guy…well…to actually sleep. We had just had hours worth of amazing sex…but this wasn’t sex. I knew how to have sex with him. This was intimacy of a new kind.

I was laying in bed with him. Next to him. Watching tv. But the situation was still supposed to be about sex. He and I weren’t supposed to get feelings for each other. But as we were laying there…it wasn’t about sex.

My mind was racing with questions. Do I cuddle up against him? Do I reach out and hold his hand? Do I lean over and give him a kiss?

Then I start freaking out thinking about the “what-ifs”. What if… I fall asleep before him? I snore? I look like I total mess in the morning? He tries to kiss me and I have morning breath?

It didn’t stop there… my mind was racing. Am I supposed to get up and leave in the morning? Are we going to have breakfast? What if a neighbor sees me through a window?

We weren’t supposed to have feelings… all of these things were things that couples should worry about…not things that a sexual-only fling should have to worry about. I had become used to the idea of having sex and then leaving him and dreaming of the next time.

All these thoughts and I had been in bed with him for less than 5 minutes.

All I wanted to do was snuggle up against him and have him hold me close. I knew that if he did that, all of the questions in my mind would be put to ease. That the feelings I found myself catching for him would be justified.

All of those worries about what to do.

I suppose you want to know what happened… well let me tell you. As we got under the covers, his big dog jumped up on the bed and plopped himself down directly between us with a big “hrrumpf” and a look that told me that I was not going to snuggle with his dad…I was encroaching on his space and snuggle time. He stayed there for the entire night. Guess I wouldn’t be snuggling after all.

Photo by Enzo Muu00f1oz on

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