Jealousy is a big thing. Whether it’s friendships or relationships or work…jealousy can be toxic to those around you.
Maybe we have low self-esteem and think we aren’t worthy. Maybe we have a hard time trusting those around us could have our best intentions at heart. Maybe we have unrealistic expectations when it come to what we think it should be. Maybe the level of communication that we need isn’t being hit. Maybe we thought we had boundaries set up, but we haven’t enforced them. Maybe it’s the stress of our lives causing anxiety that lies to us that we have a need to be jealous.
Jealousy can be ugly. It can make us come across as needy. We may look overprotective. We might be seen as obsessive. We might gossip about others intentionally or unintentionally. Jealousy can make us blame others. It may make us suspicious of others.
There have been plenty of times in our lives where we have been jealous of others. There have also been times in our lives where I guarantee others have been jealous of us. It’s tricky. Jealousy doesn’t have a switch that you can simply turn on and off. It doesn’t necessarily appear on track when you think it should. Just because you feel jealous one day, doesn’t mean that you will feel it in a similar situation in the future.
“How do you do that? How are you not jealous?” It’s something that every person in an polyamorous relationship, open relationship, swinger lifestyle, or the like will be asked at some point. (Keep in mind that what I write, is from my own perspective and we are all allowed to experience things in our own way.)
I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t have bouts of jealousy. When my hubby has a date and spends an hour getting ready to go…there are days when it is hard to wonder why he doesn’t do the same for me. But, as I’ve written in other blogs, part of what helps me deal with it is the fact that I enjoy seeing Andy happy. Compersion. The feeling is like no other.
One of the other things that keeps me going is that the ENM relationships I believe in and will stand up for are those that give people a choice. I choose to be in this relationship. I choose to have multiple partners. No one is making that choice for me. I have the choice to stop a relationship at any time for whatever reason I want.
Think about how powerful the idea of choice is.
I’m willing to say that a lot of my readers have seen this meme. Now I personally find it quite funny because most of the time, there is some smartass answer about what the guy is probably really thinking about…whether it be about football games or the latest random fact he learned.
One of the things that I don’t find myself worrying about any more is if he wishes he was with someone else. The thing about being in a polyamorous relationship for me is that if my hubby wanted to be with someone else, he could be. He could go on a date or have sex with a partner. He could even stay overnight if he wanted. But every night when my husband comes to bed and spoons up against my back, I know that he is making a choice to be in bed with me. He chooses to come home to me after his dates. He chooses to kiss me in the morning when he wakes up. He could choose someone else…but he doesn’t.
Being poly isn’t always easy. Jealousy is part of life sometimes. The insecurities can creep in and make me doubt myself. Just like anything else in life, it’s one day at a time. One emotion at a time.