tired of the hurts

I’m constantly worried with those that I care about (and sometimes even those that I don’t care about) if I’ve offended them or hurt them on some way. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something without realizing? Did I not take into account the feelings of others? Too often I think that it’s something I did or said that is the reason that people leave me.

Everyone always leaves. Whether it’s a friendship ending or a relationship ending or someone dying, eventually everyone leaves. I’ve come to expect it. Eventually I’m going to be heartbroken because they left.

I’m at that stage in my cycle where I consider pushing everyone away. Ending the friendships. Breaking up with the relationships. Being the one to die.

If I make that choice…the choice to leave, then I’m in control. Then maybe I can control the hurt. I’ll know when it’s coming and be able to prepare myself for the hurt. Because not knowing if I’m going to be the one hurt because of being myself is exhausting.

I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of wondering if I did or said something. I’m tired off guessing if the growing distance between us is the precursor to you leaving and me getting hurt again.

You think that after losing everyone that I would have learned my lesson already, but I’m a glutton for punishment and just waiting to have my heart broken again.

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