I don’t deserve it.
Those are dangerous words. Words that logically I know are not true, but words that I feel deep within my soul.
I begin to jump down my rabbit holes.
- Why would someone love me?
- Don’t they see how imperfect I am?
- Don’t they realize that I’m just going to fuck it up?
- Don’t they understand that I’m just going to hide the truth in order to morph into what they want?
- Don’t they understand that I have so much that is wrong with me that I can’t give them what they want?
- Don’t they get how much I’ve been hurt in the past and haven’t been able to heal from?
- Don’t they see that I am terrified of being the person who hurts them?
- Don’t they know that if I open up to them, that means that I am going to get hurt?
- Don’t they understand that the reason I question everything is because I don’t know how not to?
- Don’t they know that I can give advice to others, but when it comes to following my own advice, I struggle?
- Don’t they know that I must be poison because everyone always leaves?
- Don’t they know that I will get stuck?
Logically I know they aren’t true. But I live in my emotions, not in my logic. I am constantly trying to tell myself that I’m worthy of friendship…worthy of relationships…worthy of love.
I’m trying to tell myself that my friends, boyfriend, husband WANT to be in my life and that they are not stuck with me.
Maybe at some point, I’ll start to believe it with my emotional side too.