i stay quiet

There are moments in my life where I want to think that things are good. That I have people who care about me unconditionally. Who accept me for everything I am. But then something happens or something is said and it makes me question all of it.

I overthink things. I know I do. As much as I want to take things for face value, I twist them. I start down the rabbit hole and begin questioning things.

The logical side of my brain tells me that I have people who love me for who I am. That my friends support me no matter what. That my family accepts me for what I choose to believe and who I want to win.

But for me, the logical side tends to come in second place. My emotions run me. They always have.

I have spent years building up my walls and only showing people the select things that I want them to know. No one truly knows how I feel about most things. I don’t share. I share portions of what I feel. I share more with people I love and care about, but I still have dark thoughts that no one else knows.

When I begin to question my worth, I stay quiet. When I begin to question whether I can ever be truly loved, I stay quiet. When I begin to question what I can do, I stay quiet.

I feel myself putting up walls. It’s safer for my emotions. In my twisted mind, if I control who gets through my walls and how much I share, then I control how much I might get hurt. I’ve been hurt.

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