drowning

Sometimes the what-ifs just scream in my head. They place doubt where there shouldn’t be doubts. The cause me to fear what is and what could be. I end up feeling like I’m drowning and can’t get air.

Therapy helps. When I’m in therapy, it’s my air source. It seems so easy to float on the top of the water. I remember to lay back and relax and enjoy the sun hitting my body. I tend to float for a day or two after therapy. Then I feel my body dropping…water slowly starts passing over my limbs. Over my stomach. Then I’m vertical in the water, with only my head out. I pretend I’m okay, because I’m still getting that air…but if you look at me, my breathing is no longer calm and relaxed. The breaths are short and labored. I start bobbing up and down in the water. The breaths have gone to panicked gasps whenever I come out of the water. Before you know it, my hand is all you see popping out of the water.

Photo by ayyub jauro on Pexels.com

Thank god that about the time that happens, we are at another therapy appointment.

Sometimes it happens so fast… the logical side that understands how to change my thought process and the road to travel to be where I want to be is easy to travel and I know that I’m floating on top of the water. I’m enjoying the sunlight. The relaxation.

This week is not one of those weeks. It’s been less than a week since my last therapy appointment and I can already feel that my legs are sinking. The breathing isn’t as easy as when I’m floating. I’m trying not to panic and I’m trying to ignore the tears in my eyes. The tears tend to come because I know that it’s only a matter of time.

The what-if questions and rabbit holes in my mind are strong lately. They are louder than normal and I’m beginning to question everything and everyone. I’m fighting the urge to push everyone away out.

I’m so tired. On one hand I know that my thoughts are completely ridiculous, but some days…

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