I like to say that I am not a kinky person. That my experiences in life were not always as adventurous as they are today. That for the most part I have always been vanilla.

However, I have come to realize that it all depends on the person that you are talking to. Sure, I’m vanilla compared to Jackie and John, but compared to some people, I’m sure that my list of things so extremely out of the question. Am I really all that different? I don’t think so. I’m just willing to talk about it…and that is what makes me different.

How do you go from innocent young girl to a sexually-empowered woman?

I gave my first blow job at the age of 15. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 16. I had my first boyfriend at age 17.. I lost my penis/vagina virginity to rape at age 18.

During all of that, it was about pleasing him. It was my “job” as the woman to make sure that the guy I was with was getting off and enjoying himself. I remember the first time I was with my now hubby and he wanted to please me. Wait…what? I was naive. I didn’t know what that meant. I remember the first time he went down on me. I hadn’t shaved my pussy at that point…I didn’t know it was a thing. I remember being extremely nervous and unsure of what was supposed to happen. Was I supposed to moan? Where were my hands supposed to go?

Afterwards he asked if I had orgasmed. I smiled stupidly because I truly didn’t know the answer. I didn’t know what an orgasm was supposed to feel like. It was nice and obvious when I had made a guy cum in the past…but I hadn’t done any exploration of what it was supposed to be like for me. His response was “I guess we have something to work on now”. I knew right then and there that I needed to figure it out if I wanted to keep him in my life.

I remember going to my first porn shop. It was right after one of my friends at the time turned 18. A group of 5 of us loaded into a minivan and went shopping at a sketchy place right off the interstate. (Thank goodness porn shops are not that sketchy anymore. I’m surprised that we didn’t have issues there) None of us were experienced. I was the only one who had any sexual experience of any kind (both wanted and unwanted). None of us knew what to look for. None of us knew what to buy. We found “grab bags”. Two of us laid our $15 out on the counter and took our grab bags and ran to the van to open them and see what kind of loot we walked away with. She ended up with some type of weird fake boob and some porn along with some weird other random things. I ended up with a vibrator. A big clunky, noisy, baby-pink vibrator. The ride home was full of laughter and making other drivers do a double-take when they looked over and saw one of my friends giving head to the vibrator. That vibrator taught me a lot of things. That vibrator was with me for years.

I also remember the first time my now hubby asked me to shave for him. We were in the shower together when he asked if I had ever considered it before. No…it hadn’t occurred to me because before him, it was never about me. No one else had ever had the chance, so no one else had ever said anything. He helped me shave that first time. I thought I was doing it was for him, but quickly realized I was wrong. Game. Changer.

But again…how do you go from knowing NOTHING to figuring out what you like? Especially if we’re talking about things that aren’t penis/vagina, missionary position sex?

Figure out who you are and what you like. By yourself. That’s right. Touch yourself. Masturbate. Watch porn. Read erotica. Pay attention to the things that make you feel butterflies. But then…be comfortable with it.

Find a partner, or partners, who you trust. Now explore. Who the fuck cares what the world would think about you? Are you going to announce your bedroom trysts to the world? No? Okay, then don’t worry about what the world would think. As long as you have your boundaries set up, go for it. Granted, my boundaries have changed a lot over the years, but that’s okay. Because it’s been a constant renegotiation between me and my now hubby. At first it’s easy to set up a lot of rules…it makes us feel safer. But I challenge you to do the exact opposite.

Leave your mind open to every experience and go off of what feels good to you and your partner in that moment. Would I have known that I enjoy half of the stuff that I do had I stuck to my original rules? Nope. Am I glad that I dropped my rules because I have more pleasure and experiences now? Yup.

So, am I kinky? Maybe. Do I enjoy every minute of it? Yup.