Last week I had my annual physical. I want to share with you a few things that have gone through my mind during my appointment:

1. “hey doc…I should have a full run of STI/STD testing done.” She knows that I have an open marriage, so it’s not a surprise, but my guess is that most of her married clientele doesn’t ask for that lineup of testing. (also…this is because I want to be responsible for my health and those that I have sex with, not because of symptoms of any kind. I believe strongly in having regular testing done if you have multiple partners.)
2. I have had to pee in a cup multiple times in my life. How is it that I still end up peeing on my hand?
3. Whoever invented these stirrups for women clearly didn’t like us because they are made of metal and if you move wrong and your ankle hits it, it sucks.
4. I wonder what my doctor thinks about my pierced nipples…they don’t seem to get in the way of my breast exam…however, she does tend to slow down and be more gentle around the nipple itself.
5. It’s sad that they now have to have two people in the room to protect themselves from a malpractice suit because somewhere some doctor took advantage of their patient.
6. I couldn’t help but giggle as my doctor talked me through things “okay…you’re going to feel my hands sliding down your thighs”
7. I know the speculum is going to be cold… I’ll try not to enjoy it too much. LOL
8. “Okay you might feel a little bit of a stretch here” Umm… if you knew the size of things that have been in my vagina before, you would not be concerned about a speculum.
9. Do women really have horrible pains after their exams? I have never had them..
10. If I would have been nice, I would have shaved before going in…but I will admit, that I am growing it out because it gives a really smooth shave the next time…sorry doc.
11. I find it funny to have my doctor give me warnings like “make sure you wear sunscreen at least 30spf and use condoms every time”.

Yes…these are the thoughts that went through my head as I was lying there. LOL. Now you know.