choices

Hubby went out last night with one of his regulars (I’m not really sure if she is considered a girlfriend or not). Despite myself considering myself polyamorous, it can still be hard to watch him go out on dates. He comes home from work on time. He showers and makes himself smell good. He’ll even dress nice (aka…more than the pajama pants that I get when he’s home). And he smiles.

Sometimes it’s hard to watch him prepare. It’s hard to watch him get excited to go see someone else. Sometimes I want to feel as though the same effort has been put in towards me. But that’s a double edged sword…because that means the same for me. I should shower and shave and wear the scandalous lingerie under my clothes for him just like I would if I were to go out with Paul or Jake… I wonder if he ever feels the same way about me.

In those moments where I feel unsettled, it’s easy to say that he’s not doing enough for me. He’s doesn’t love me enough and he is better off without me. Tell myself that he’d rather be with her than with me. I sometimes sit there and tell myself that I want him to choose me.

Then after I get over my little jealous fit, I remember that he does choose me. Every day he chooses me. He chooses to come home to me every night. He chooses to love me when I’m unloveable. He picks me when he could pick to spend his time elsewhere.

Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t jealousy regarding him, because I do get turned on knowing that he’s with another woman. Maybe what I’m feeling is that I need to choose myself. Pick things that make me me. Love myself. I don’t know how to do that. I put others before me. What do they need? What do they want? How can I make them smile? Am I doing enough?

What about me? Maybe if I focused on what I could change (me), maybe I’d be better off.

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