wasn’t ready for the memories

Do you ever have those things that immediately transport you to a specific time or place in your life? Songs or smells. Certain phrases or drinks that take you from 2022 to a place of the past. Some of the memories are good and some of them are not so pleasant. Some of them are clear as a picture while others are starting to fade. Let’s take a trip down memory road and see what sticks out

Photo by Ann poan on Pexels.com
  • “Because you Loved Me” by Celine Dion – the first time one of my friends was offered pot by a cute boy in school.
  • “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley – waking up in Jamaica after 24 hours of traveling
  • “Hey Ya” by Outkast – riding around with my college bestie
  • Stale cigarette smoke – waking up with massive hangovers with the same college bestie, knowing that the night before was fun
  • Blue UV Vodka and Lemonade – the drive-thru liquor store that we’d hit up and mix on the way back to the party
  • “Do it again and again until it’s perfect” – music teacher
  • Miller Lite – “pre-gaming” by slamming a beer in the shower while we got ready for a night out
  • Campfires – the friends that have become my family
  • “just pray harder and you won’t be depressed” – my high school crush
  • “When You Say Nothing At All” by Allison Krauss – desperately running to the bathroom so I didn’t have to watch him (my now hubby) dance with his new wife (now ex)
  • Fireworks – bff’s husband and how he gets giddy over preparing a 20 minute show for us

There are certain aspects that I look back and remember clear as day…those are a little easier to swallow. What doesn’t come easy is when a memory hits you like a brick to the head in a situation that you would least expect it.

Last night, hubby and I had an amazing session in bed, full of toys and pleasure. It was amazing until it wasn’t. After the heighted emotions subsided from the much-needed orgasm I found myself curled up in a ball with tears streaming down my face. The memories that were flooding my head were taking me on a rollercoaster.

  • John and I hooking up
  • Jackie and my hubby hooking up
  • Jackie’s plans to have us move in
  • watching Jackie and Paul hookup
  • the thought of my hubby cheating with Erin
  • watching my now hubby kiss his first wife
  • losing my virginity to a rape

WTF. Where did all of that come from? Sure…it’s all my history. It’s all stuff that I experienced, but immediately after sex? I wasn’t prepared to handle it.

And my poor hubby? How do I expect him to believe that it’s not anything he did that caused me to cry.

We never know what is going to make a certain memory pop up. I wasn’t prepared, but now, a day later I can look at those hard memories and remember them as that. They are memories. They don’t have power over me anymore. Good or bad, I learned from each one of them. I am the person I am today because of how I handled each one of those situations. All I can hope is that I continue to learn from each of those now memories.

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