i want more…i think

Some days seem to be easier to deal with than others when it comes to my love life. Being polyamorous, I have the ability to have multiple relationships going at one time. However, lately it seems like I tend to be losing more of them than anything else. Let me explain.

Jake and I… we have always been kind of an interesting pair. We have very few things in common…to the point where all we talk about is sex. Although we both suffer with depression, we both tend to go inside and not talk to anyone…so although we have bonded over that, it’s not like we’re talking. Jake and his family believe very strongly in the social distancing aspect of COVID-19 (wherever you stand, I don’t care). I haven’t seen him in person since August. Our texts back and forth consist of incomplete sentences and emojis. There is no real meaningful conversation. At least we used to go back and forth during the day with our stupid emojis…now we seem to go days and sometimes weeks. Jake was my first steady poly partner. I’m not sure I want to give up on him, but I’m not sure that what we used to have is still there.

Paul and I… you know how I feel about Paul based on my blog post about him. He has always been a friend with benefits and I’ve been okay with that. I definitely enjoy spending time with him, but we are on a break right now…at least temporarily. Paul has been dating a new woman and things are starting to get more serious, so he has decided to be monogamous with her. Don’t get me wrong, I am super happy for him – he is a great friend (and will always be a friend first) who deserves to be in a great and loving relationship… however, I will miss the sex. (and my bff will miss reading about my adventures in the bedroom with him).

Dating sucks when you’re single. Dating also sucks when you’re in a primary relationship. I don’t want to just meet up with someone random and have sex. Yes, I enjoy sex, but I would like something more…and when I tell a potential guy that I’m not just looking for sex, they disappear. I’m not sure what I’m looking for even exists.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

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