Last night I wanted to die.
The holidays are hitting me harder this year than in the past. The amount of things that I’ve been trying to process and let go of finally hit me last night.
It’s a scary thing to feel like death is the better option. For those who know what that feeling is like…it can be hard to explain. So here are some things that I know about myself:
- In that moment, you can’t “reason” with me
- I need something to physically hold me…not necessarily use words
- By the time I say something out loud, it’s bad. really bad
- I don’t need someone to “fix” me
- I need people to love me
It’s terrifying to tell people. I fear that they will look at me differently. That they won’t be able to handle this side of me and will treat me as a fragile piece of glass.
If I’ve told you… I’m not a different person. I’m the same person that you’ve known for years….I’m just finally trusting you with a part of me that I’d rather keep hidden.