For those of you who don’t know what brain spotting is… it’s fascinating. I did my first session last night with my therapist. I don’t even know where to begin to talk about it. It’s somewhat similar to EMDR therapy. However, bestest therapist ever JoAnn told me to journal about some of the thoughts that I had/remembered from my session. So here goes nothing. I still don’t understand a lot of it, but hopefully at some point, it will allow me to begin healing.

Initial Issue: I love John and I need to let him go.

All the thoughts that I remember having:

• He treated me with love.
• he let Jackie treat him like shit.
• he let Jackie treat me like shit.
• Hubby says he saw me upset but didn’t do anything
• John didn’t choose me
• Hubby did
• Jackie was abusing
• I didn’t enjoy it
• No one was there to save me
• I didn’t leave
• I wanted to save John.
• He didn’t pick me.
• I wasn’t enough.
• I’m never enough
• Everyone always leaves.
• Annie
• Margaret
• Tashina
• Cait
• Aaron
• Westy
• Chris
• Seth
• Dr. B
• Mr B
• Grandpa
• Grandma
• Grandpa
• I couldn’t stay
• I deserve more than everyone has ever given me

Physical Aspects I felt:

• My hands were stuck. My thumb, index finger, and middle finger felt like they were nailed to my bed next to me. I wanted so badly to pull my hands away and I couldn’t.
• My jaw was so tight…it got tighter as the session went on. (still feel the residual effects of that today)
• Tears rolled down my face at times
• swallowing was more noticeable

When I came out of my session, I was absolutely exhausted. Despite being exhausted, I didn’t sleep well. I felt very restless. I had some vivid dreams, which is unlike me.