Change. It’s inevitable. I know it’s coming. I know that I can’t stop it. That doesn’t make it any easier. Even good changes can be hard. That doesn’t mean that I necessarily fear them…quite the opposite, sometimes, change can be thrilling and exciting.
I feel uncertain. With the uncertainty comes questions and this unsettling feeling of “what next”. It seems that if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Big and small…just lots of uncertainty. I tend to jump to the negative when it comes to my own life, but to the positive side with friends. Why can’t I offer myself the same grace and patience?
I tend to like a map. I like to know where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. Ask my hubby…the process of actually traveling with me can be hard. Once I’m at the location, I’m good. Getting there and even getting home tend to be harder. It goes the same for my feelings and events in my life. When I’m in a spot where I understand my feelings, I’m good. Whether they are good or bad feelings, doesn’t even matter…it’s the fact that I’m there and can deal with it. The up and down rollercoaster that can become my feelings is harder to deal with. I don’t have a map…am I all of a sudden going to drop? Is the rollercoaster going to go upside-down and make my stomach flip? How much longer is this ride? Can I get off now? I don’t even like rollercoasters. The unknown. The uncertainty.
However, not only am I on the rollercoaster… anyone who is associated with me gets dragged along on this with me. It’s not fair to them. I’m trying to figure out my life one day at a time and I never know what is going to happen…how can I let them help me along my journey? What if they start helping me and then decide it’s too much and decide to leave? It would be easier if I just left them…then at least it would be on “my” terms.
I’m learning about myself with every step I take and every decision. All I can do it make one small decision at a time and make sure that it’s the right thing for me.