Apparently by not writing, there could be blog withdrawals happening right now. I definitely don’t want to do that to you. So, therefore, I must write.
I have never been good about the idea of asking for what I want. I don’t want to come across as selfish or ungrateful for what I have. I find that wants that are more unrealistic are easier to ask for than those that are within my reach. It’s “easy” for me to ask for the unrealistic stuff: the things that we all want… the dreams…being on a beach with a drink in my hand, traveling around the world, my dream house, not having to worry about money, etc.
But what fun would my blog be if all I did was talk about the same things that everyone else wants? So let’s talk about something else… Asking for what I want in bed…and I’m not talking about asking that my kids let me sleep in on a Saturday morning. No…I’m talking about the sexual desires.
Think about one of your very first sexual experiences…whether it was enjoyable or not, chances are you probably are much more comfortable with your sexuality now…because you’ve learned what you like and what you don’t like…what turns you on and what are your hard limits. (and if you’re not more comfortable…lets talk…cause you deserve to be happy).
Before we opened up our marriage in 2019, I had only been with my husband since 2006. We had a level of comfort with each other that I thought people could be lucky to achieve in their relationships. The sex was great…it always has been. I knew what he enjoyed and he knew what I enjoyed.
However, we were also comfortable. I had it in my head that there were certain things that I didn’t want to do or try because “ew”. Umm…why? Because I was scared? Scared of what? Scared it would hurt? Scared of what society would say if they found out? Scared of not liking it? Scared of liking it?
One of the benefits of having an open relationship is that it has expanded my knowledge of sex and what I enjoy. It’s not like the original goal was “who is going to teach me something in bed”.
I didn’t know what I was “missing” until I experienced something different.
However, it was a turning point when we decided to open up our relationship and the first time I hooked up with someone outside of our marriage. It was hot. It was passionate. It was fun. It was sexy. It was different, but not in a bad way. He had a different touch than my hubby… more firm and dominant without being abusive or scary. I liked it. (I’ll go into more detail about that first encounter at some point.)
I found things that I liked that hubby and i had never dipped into before. Wait…someone digging their nails into my back as I cum is enjoyable? Who would have thought? Or pressing my head down as I gave a blow job…just enough that my eyes begin to water. What about someone using a crop or a paddle on my ass? And the aspect that I might ask for more?
(Are there still things that I don’t want any part of? Absolutely. But I’m also able to appreciate the fact that other people can enjoy them.)
I found a confidence in my sexuality. I felt confident that I deserved to feel good in sexual situations…it’s about my pleasure too.
It’s allowed me to ask questions…to my husband. To my other partners. To my metas. To my friends. What do they like? What have they tried? What do they know that I don’t? Talking about sex toys is one thing…”sure I have a vibrator”…but I’m talking about actually asking others questions. What position is best for you to orgasm in? Do you enjoy anal? Do you use multiple toys at once and if so, which ones? Have you tried ___? Do you have kinks that you enjoy? Can you tell me about them? Will you try it with me?
5 years ago, the thought that I would want someone to take control in the bedroom would have been on my list of hard limits. Now, I love the idea of giving up control to someone else that I trust. Blindfold me and have your way. Treat me like a whore…it’s okay. When we are in that safe space together, it’s okay.
To give you a little flash into my life…here are some things you might want to consider:
- different sizes
That’s a small list for you to get started with…