Note:  I’ve had this blog written for days… I’m terrified to hit “publish”.  The vulnerability that comes with my blog can leave me feeling paralyzed with fear.  But one foot in front of the other as I figure it all out.  

Think about the big and small moments in your life:  Your wedding day.  Your graduation.  The birth or adoption of a child.  A divorce. A first date.  A new pet.  A new job.  A promotion.  Vacations.  Buying a house/moving.  First car.  Death of someone you care about.  Falling in love.  Retirement.  

When I think about all of those things, I think of the people that we surround ourselves with during those times.  Friends.  Family.  Sometimes, even social media.  Those people that surround us.  They help us.  They help us celebrate.  Mourn.  Grieve.  They laugh with us.  They cry with us.  They support us.  They celebrate with us.  We aren’t alone in our feelings.  We have a support system that we lean on.  

What about during depression, sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, or infidelity?  How quick are we to reach out when we are the ones suffering?  

How many times have we known (whether it was secretly or publicly) that a friend was in a position where they could have used a support system but pulled away?  How many times have you watched from the friend’s side, just hoping that they would reach out and ask for help, but they never did?  How many times has it been easier to walk away than see your friend hurting by themselves?  How many times have we looked at a smile knowing it was fake and not questioned it because it was easier?

They are devastating things in a person’s lifetime.  Times when rather than turning to my support system, I did the exact opposite and pushed everyone away.  I suffered on my own.  I remember being at one of the lowest points of my life.  It was so dark.  I was alone.  I was scared.  In my eyes I would have been doing everyone else a favor by leaving – whether figuratively or literally.  I felt large amounts of shame and embarrassment.  I pulled back.  I didn’t have the words to explain, so I didn’t even try.  The moments where I pushed people away when I needed my support system the most.  I needed them to surround me and let me know that I was loved and worth it.  

I still have those moments and situations…where I want to pull away.  I’m still uncomfortable reaching out in those moments.  I fear the judgement and questions that will come.  I’m scared that I will lose friends.  I’m scared of their perception of me.  I’m scared that I will get pushed away – at least when I pull away, it’s my choice.  I’m scared that the friends I turn to will not be there.  

These are the moments that I have to fight with myself. I have to push myself to reach out. I can’t keep trying to do these things on my own. I need to allow my support system to support me. I need to trust them to love me.