I’m in that place now…and trying really hard to not do my normal…shut down and cry. So instead, I’ll write.
It’s scary sometimes how quickly I can go from being in a good place to feeling scared and broken. A matter of minutes. I get triggered by words or an action and that is the end for me.
What is even more tricky than the quickness is that I have yet to fully identify my triggers. I find that I think I have it and then with the next episode, I’m able to rule it out.
According to healthline.com: In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment. It may bring up specific thought patterns or influence your behavior.
Yup. I’d say that is pretty much what I’m feeling. Staying in the present moment…not so much. Trying my hardest to not jump down the rabbit hole that seems to be calling my name rather loudly, just begging me to come visit.
I often refer to myself as having the “normal” side and the “other” side of my brain. The “normal” side is able to look at these moments of scared and brokenness and tell me that they aren’t real. The “other” side tells it to shut up.
“What was meant when they said that?” “Were they hoping I was going to say no?” “Was that always the plan?” “Why didn’t they just ask outright in the first place?” “Did I miss something obvious?” “Maybe it’d be better if I wasn’t here.”
I keep reminding myself that my mind is playing tricks on me. I’m overthinking things…again. And it’s causing me to start sliding down that rabbit hole.
But what if the reason that I can’t stop the rabbit hole from calling my name is because I’m broken?