I remember being my daughters age (10) and thinking that you’re friends were going to be your friends forever.  BFFs, right?  It seemed so easy, we’d find a friend that we would play with and have a good time with and therefore things would be perfect and we’d always be friends.  

Fast forward just a few years and I realize that although the dream of those type of friends is nice, it really is just a dream.  

I’ve had tons of friends over the years that fit into that “reason” category. (Think high-school friends, college friends, work friends.) They all served a purpose in my life – sometimes I don’t think I even fully realized what reason they entered my life, but I know that they were all a part of my journey for something specific. Some of them were short-term – a few months during a class we had together. Some were longer-term – a year or two. No matter how long they were, they are part of the reason that I am who I am today – good or bad. However, there is also a reason they were only a small part of my journey.  The reason category is easier for me to accept, because, I often don’t feel super connected to these friends.  The basis of our friendship is focused on one thing or is on a surface level.  

“Season” friends are/were part of my life for years and then one day you look, and they aren’t anymore.  These are the ones that have made a bigger impact and the loss of those friendships hurt.  Those tend to be the friendships that I actively pursued and tried to save and then realized (either because of something they did or a realization I had) that I was trying to save something that they didn’t care about losing.  These are hard for me.  I put more time and effort into these friendships…often bonding over something deeper that brought us super close for awhile…  Some of them we just grew apart and nothing dramatic happened, but realizing the loss of a friendship is still hard.  

The “lifetime” friends is a tricky one too.  Sometimes I think I have a “lifetime” friend and then I realize that they turned into a “season” friend and I failed to realize it.  Unfortunately, I’m beginning to wonder if “lifetime” friends really exist.  

I want that deep connection with a friend.  A ride or die partner.  But as I’ve said before, I love hard.  And when I feel like a friend could possibly be someone I connect with, it’s very hard for me to not give everything plus more to that friendship.  Then when those friendships end…the pain and heartbreak… Do I dare open my life to them and risk the hurt and pain that can come when a friendship sizzles out? 

Of course, I want friends.  But I don’t want the superficial friends anymore.  I want the quality friends who will drive over in the middle of the night in order to make me smile…the ones that you can share stupid inside jokes with… the ones that sit with you when you cry.  

My journey is just that.  MINE.  I realize that people don’t like my journey, especially now that I have opened up to a few people in my life about having an open marriage and consistent partners on the side.  Hell, very few people even appreciate that I’m trying on my journey simply because it’s different.  I barely understand my journey some days, so how can I expect someone else to understand my journey… however, I want people to respect my journey.  Hopefully I’ll have some great friends along the way!